stressful morning

I haven't posted in a while because I have been really busy! Today I wanted to just post about how thankful I am to be at Crossfit2L2Q. I went into workout this morning hoping that I would improve my time on the Filthy Fifty WOD. I hadn't done it in several months, so I figured that I would have to be better this time. As I was getting everything ready for the workout I was told that we couldn't do step ups today. We had to do box jumps. I wasn't thrilled about this because I haven't done box jumps in a while because of my knee, but it has been feeling better with my brace. As the workout started I just stared at the box. I tried several times to make myself jump, but it just wasn't happening. I stared at the box, I moved it around, and then I just walked away. My coach walked up to me and asked where I was going. I told him that I just couldn't do box jumps this morning. He walked me back over to the box and told me that I COULD do this, and reminded me that I had done it before. He stood there encouraging me until I got my first few jumps in (which was nine minutes after the workout had started). I finished the box jumps and moved to the rest of the workout. I was doing ok until I got to wall balls. I am not very good at wall balls in the first place, but to think about doing 50 this morning was torture. I threw my first two, and they kept spinning and not hitting the line. I tried a few more, and then walked away. I said that I was done. I meant it. There was no way that I was going to be able to do 50 wall balls. Everyone else in the class had finished the workout and I still had three more things to do! After he watched me put my kettle bell up my coach told me to try the 10 pound ball. He showed me what I was doing that was making it spin, and told me I wasn't quitting. As I struggled through the wall balls I had several people from my class around me cheering me on. Sandy told me to just breathe when she saw the tears rolling down my face. She knew it wasn't from pain but from me just beating myself up mentally. I finally finished the wall balls and went onto burpees and jump ropes. Even though the class had been over for about 30 minutes a lot of people from my class stayed to encourage me until the end. When I was FINALLY done my coach walked up to me and told me how proud he was of me for finishing. I was disappointed and mad at myself for how I had done. I am so thankful that I people in my box that believe in me and won't let me give up even when I am having a bad day. I am so thankful that they are encouraging even when I am frustrating. I can't imagine being anywhere else.

Struggles

I haven't posted very much lately because I have been so busy. There have been some good days but there have been a lot of not so good days. My mind and body have been on two completely different pages most of the time. Either my mind thinks I can do something and my body says NO or my mind just tells my body that it can't do something it is fully capable of doing. Last week I hit a pretty big brick wall mentally. There was a WOD that I wasn't even worried about until I got to the box and we started going over how to scale it to what you could do. The regular WOD had handstand push-ups in it and to scale it you either did a hand stand or wall climb. I can't do either one of the scaled things so I would have to do push ups AGAIN!  I mentally just broke because I felt like at this point I should be able to at LEAST do the scaled version of a WOD!  I couldn't even do the regular weights in the lifts for that WOD! I tried to leave because I was just so frustrated but Travis wouldn't let me and I just worked on form and mobility. It was a complete mind and pride thing because I was tired of just doing push-ups when people who started Crossfit after me were already doing handstand push-ups and if I couldn't even lift the weight (which is what I'm usually good at), then what was the point?!  It took a couple of days and a lot talking but I got over that and had a few good days this week. On Monday we did a WOD with deadlifts and handstand push-ups. I told myself before I got to the box that even if I just had to do push-ups in the WOD I would still do it and not be upset about it. I actually did really well in that workout and was happy about it. I have struggled through some of the other WOD's this week that included lifts because I haven't had the right form and it has kept me from bring able to go up in weight. I've been working on my form during and after class and I actually think it is getting a little bit better.
Tonight was a complete mess though!  My knees and back have been hurting for about two weeks now. I haven't really said anything because I didn't want people to think I was being a baby. Tonight was the worst night in a very long time for my knees and back!  After we ran the first 800m of the warmup I put the first dose of Biofreeze on both knees. I ran the last 800m of the warmup and had to put another thing of Biofreeze on them. When it came time for the actual WOD my knees and back were done. I did the first 300 jump ropes and just dealt with the pain. My back hurt all the way through the sit-ups but I dealt with that too. But, when I got to the set of 225 jump ropes I said enough was enough!  Every bounce hurt and at that point my mind AND my body just said that I was done. I wasn't happy about it. I was crying. Chad nor Travis were happy about it either. I was going to leave when Travis came and got me and told me I couldn't quit. I told him there was NO way I was finishing that WOD today !  He told me I couldn't just quit and he was setting up a rower for me. I rowed 400m and then left. I know Travis and Chad have to be frustrated with me because I am SUPER frustrated with myself!  I feel like they think I'm just a baby and a quitter. They would deny it  but I would think that if I were them. Tonight my mind was really ok with the WOD until the sit-ups but after that my body and mind just gave up!  I'm just tired of being so damn frustrated with my mind and my body. I need them to get on the same page sometime really soon!

update

I know I haven't posted in a while.  Things have been really busy.  This will just be a small update, but I wanted to tell you some of the things that have been going on in my world.  We just finished the Crossfit Open.  There were many workouts that I couldn't do most of the elements in.  I wasn't too discouraged.  I have been working on my toes to bar since it came up in the Open, and even though I haven't gotten it yet, I am A LOT closer than I have ever been before.  I knew that I wasn't going to be on the top of the leader board for the Open (that is probably why I didn't get too discouraged).  I didn't sign up to win it. I signed up to see what I could accomplish.  I think I did pretty good and that is all that matters. 
During this time, things also got busy because I was asked to share my testimony with my church for Easter.  The reason I am sharing this on here is because I think that it is important for people to really realize where this all started.  If this change had not happened in my life a year ago I wouldn't be here now.  I would have never have had the courage or the strength to even attempt the things I am doing now.
http://vimeo.com/63080381

I am going to try and update a little more tonight. :)

My Mind Can't Catch Up with My Body

A lot of people have been asking me for pictures of what I look like now.  I have been really hesitant to take pictures just because I have never really liked pictures of myself.  To satisfy my friends and family that live out of town I broke down and took a few pictures.  I posted the one of me in the bridesmaid dress and the one below on Facebook, so everyone could see.  I got a lot of really sweet comments on both pictures, but, to be honest, I wasn't really impressed with them.  When I got to Crossfit last night Travis said he liked the pictures.  I told him thank you, but I think he could tell by my face that I wasn't impressed.  He asked me an odd question. He asked if I could tell the difference.  The answer I gave him might seem crazy to a lot of you.  I told him "Not really." He looked at me and said that was what he thought I was going to say.  He then asked me how long I had been overweight.  When I told him all of my life (even when I played soccer) he just gave me a look.  He said what I have been thinking for a while now.  He told me it was going to be hard for me to see the changes in myself.  He also said that this was going to take a while for my mind to realize how my body has changed.  I agreed with him and told him I thought it was probably going to be a long time for me to wrap my head around all of this change.  Then he told me that one day it will happen.  I will walk by a mirror, see a picture of myself, or something like this and will realize that I am completely different on the outside!
It is a mental thing.  When I look in the mirror I just see the same old Emily, as I have always been. I hope this does happen for me because I want to COMPLETELY enjoy the fruits of my labor, but I don't think it will happen in the near future.  When you have lived in an obese body for so long it is very hard to grasp that you could actually be smaller, that pictures won't make you sad because you are the largest person in them, that you don't always have to go to the Plus Size section in the clothing store, etc.  Don't get me wrong, I can obviously tell that I am wearing smaller clothes, that the scale has a smaller number on it, and that I have a lot more energy and feel better, but I just can't tell the difference when I look in the mirror yet.  It will change one day, and I might pass out from joy when it happens.  Until then I will keep track of my journey with pictures just to show everyone how far I have come, and so that when that day does come that my mind catches up with my body I will be able to fully understand how far I have come too.

I don't really like this picture, but was the best out of like 6 that were taken. 

The Dress

I bought a bridesmaid dress in September 2012 for a wedding I am going to be in this May.  When I bought it I was embarrassed because it was almost the largest size they made.  I tried to tell myself that it was because these types of dresses run small.  That is true, but it didn't change the fact that I was much larger than I wanted to be, or had been in years past.  I bought the dress and told the bride that I was going to try to lose weight before the wedding, and I would just get it altered.  When I said this I really didn't think I would lose any weight before the wedding.  I had always said I would lose weight for certain things but it never really happened.  I bought the dress thinking I would never have to get it taken in. 

I have tried a million different ways to lose weight but I have never really been successful.  Even when I played soccer I was overweight, so I just didn't think it was possible for me.  The day after Labor Day of last year was the day I started a journey that would truly change this way of thinking, because this was the day I started Crossfit!  What I never thought could happen is actually becoming a reality!  I am currently down 60 pounds, 6 pant sizes, and over 23 inches all over my body!  Needless to say the dress I bought in September does not fit anymore.  I can now step into it while it is zipped and pull it up over clothes I already have on.  If I let go of it, it will drop to the ground!  Since it is now so close to the wedding I started getting worried that there would be no way it could be taken in, so I decided to go to an alterations place and see what could be done.  The lady looked at me with wide eyes when I put the dress on for her.  As she was pinning about 3 inches of fabric in on each side she said it could be done.  I will be taking it back at the end of April to have it altered because I'm not sure if I will lose any more inches between now and the end of May.  I just don't want to take the chance and get it done now and it not fit again in 6-8 weeks.  This will be the happiest $40 I will ever spend on alterations!

The bride of the wedding came into town the other day and I tried the dress on for her to see the difference herself.  While it was still zipped I slipped the dress on over my workout clothes!  It is kind of crazy!

A Pretty Decent Week

This was a pretty good week of workout. I felt really good with how I did on the first WOD of the Open, and it made me feel better about my workouts this week. The one night that really sticks out in my mind was the night that dead lifts were in the strength part of our workout. I always like to see dead lifts in a WOD because I really enjoy them and I'm actually pretty good at them too. When I read the workout I had to take a second glance to make sure I read it right. It was a 6 minute EMOM (every minute on the minute) alternating 5 dead lifts and ring dips. The catch was that the dead lifts were supposed to be 85% of your one rep max. I did the math about 10 times to make sure I was right. My 1RM for dead lift is 290#, so I would be lifting 246.5# in the WOD!! That's a lot of weight to do a total of 15 times!  When I got to the box I ended up going down to 245# instead if up to 250# and I did push-ups instead of ring dips (because I still can't really do the ring dips). I think this was probably one of the hardest strength WOD's I've done. I did complete all of the lifts at 245#, and I was kind of impressed with myself because I really wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it the whole way through!  I would really like to be able to dead lift at least 300-315# in the next six months or so!  I know that sounds crazy to a lot of people but I really do enjoy lifting!
On Wednesday night the second WOD for the Open was announced. I had been hoping that there would be dead lifts in it (and I was kind of hoping they would be heavy). I got part of what I wanted. The 13.2 WOD was a 10 minute AMRAP of 5 shoulder to overhead lifts (75#), 10 dead lifts (75#), and 15 box jumps (20 inches). So, although they weren't heavy, I did get my dead lifts. I was kind of excited because it was another WOD that I could actually do everything. I hadn't been sure about the box jumps but the standards said it could be a step up too. I hadn't done 20 inch step ups but I sure as heck was going to do it now!  I was also a little nervous because this should be one of the WOD's that I should do really well on.  I knew the lifts should be the easy part for me, because even just doing step ups instead of box jumps was going to be very tiring and a killer on my legs!  I decided to get judged on Thursday. I wasn't really sure what to expect out of myself so I wanted to have time to redo the WOD if I thought I could have done better. As we were getting ready Clinton said I should at least be able to get five rounds in. That would be 2 minutes per round. He estimated about 30 seconds for the lifts and that would give me 1:30 to do the step ups. Once he said that I immediately wanted to do more than five rounds!  Clinton was going to be my judge, and I knew he would push me to keep going throughout the WOD. Dusti came to watch too and I knew that she wouldn't have a problem yelling at me to keep me going when I would want to give up. When the time started I picked up the bar and went to do my first lift. I hit myself in the chin!  It startled me but I didn't drop the bar. I tried to regroup and do the lift again. For some reason I couldn't lift it!  I dropped the bar and paused for a few seconds. All I could hear was Clinton telling me to pick the bar back up and get started!  I guess it was just jitters because when I picked the bar up again the lifts came pretty naturally. I got through about ten of the step ups in the first round and I realized how hard this WOD was really going to be!  My legs were burning like fire and I had only done 10!  I tried not to think about the pain and got through rounds two and three. At the beginning of round four I was exhausted and just wanted to give up. I was standing at the bar and I really didn't want to pick it up. I knew that I could get through all the lifts but then I was going to have to start on the step ups again and I just couldn't even think about that!  Clinton and Dusti were right there pushing me to keep going. I finished the lifts and went to the box for the step ups. I just looked at it!  It really wasn't until Clinton started beating on the box with his hand that I realized I was really going to have to do more and that I could do it. I had been making pretty decent time until that point but after that the step ups got slower and slower. I got through round five with about 2:30 left on the clock. I got through the lifts on round six really fast and started the step ups. Dusti was yelling at me not to stop, Clinton was smacking his poor hand on the box yelling for me to give him more, and Travis was beside me telling me I was going to get this round done. I finished the last step up when the timer read 0:01!  Travis kept telling me to go faster and I was just trying not to pause at all. My legs hurt so bad, and I wasn't even sure I was strong enough to push myself up on those last ten step ups. But, I did it!  I got through a full six rounds. When it was over I just laid on the box I had been using for step ups. I wasn't sure I could move!  I ended up with a score of 180. That wasn't too bad but I was hoping to be closer to 200. I am happy that I got past the five round mark though!!  I am going to redo it on Sunday to see if I can get a better score. I just want to see if I can at least get through the lifts in the 7th round. I think the frustrating part to me was that I could have done a lot more lifts because my arms weren't tired. I just want to see if I can do just a little better!

Fighting through the mentally hard stuff

Last week was not my finest.  I didn't finish the workout on Monday, walked out on Tuesday, and skipped on Wednesday.  Yes, I skipped a workout, and I was really mad at myself because that is the first time I have been in town and just didn't go.  I went on Thursday and warmed up but didn't actually workout.  I have been in a funk and just haven't been able to completely get out of it.  I haven't been sleeping well and there has just been a lot going on in my life.  I was just tired of always crying when I went to workout.  I wasn't crying because I was in pain.  I was crying because I was disappointed in how I was doing and felt like I should be able to do more. 
Things did change a little bit on Friday though. We just started the Crossfit Open last week and we had gotten the first WOD on Thursday.  I didn't do the workout on Thursday with most of the other people, and I wasn't really sure I was going to even participate in the Open (even though I had signed up).  Friday I went in for open gym, but I wasn't really sure I was going to workout. Stephanie was there and was going to do the WOD for the Open.  I told her I would do it just to practice where she wouldn't be doing it alone.  The WOD was 40 burpees, 30 45# snatches, 30 burpees, 30 75# snatches, 20 burpees, 30 100# snatches, 10 burpees, and then as many as possible of 120# snatches until 17 minutes was up.  I got 10 burpees into the workout and decided it just wasn't worth it that night.  Luckily one of the guys in my regular class, Mark, was there and told me I wasn't going to quit.  He stood there and counted all of my burpees and snatches for me.  When I got done I was actually kind of happy with how I did.  I really hate burpees and that was the part that really slowed me down, but I knew that was going to be the hardest part for me going into it.  I got through 21 of the 75# snatches (I would have scored a 121 that night if I had been judged).  I'm really glad Mark wouldn't let me quit that night because after I got done I was kind of pumped about how I might be able to do better on Sunday (when I would actually be judged).
I got to the box early on Sunday to cheer on the people that were going before me.  The closer it got to my time the more nervous I became.  What if I didn't beat my score from Friday?  What if I couldn't get through all of those burpees?  I was one of the last people to go that day, and I was so glad that some people stayed to watch and cheer me on.  My friend Dusti, who doesn't even Crossfit at our box, came to support me!!  The first 10 burpees weren't that bad, but after that I could feel the soreness in my muscles and knew I was getting tired.  I finally got through the first 40 burpees and headed to do the lifts.  I did the lifts in sets of 10 and then it was back to burpees.  I was really tired at this point and wasn't really sure I would actually make it through 30 more burpees.  The only thing that kept me going were the people around me cheering for me.  I could hear Dusti reminding me to breathe and telling me that I COULD do this.  At one point Travis had to smack me on the butt with his clipboard to get me to actually complete the burpee.  Jessie and Allison were there telling me how great I was doing.  I finally made it through the burpees and went back to the lifts.  This should have been the easy part for me but I was really tired.  I did about 5 snatches and put the bar down.  I was trying to them touch and go but I could only get in about 2 at a time.  I made it to about 24 and really thought I couldn't do anymore.  Morgan, who was judging me, came across the bar and told me to PICK UP THE BAR (she kind of yelled it lol).  She startled me enough that it reminded me of what I had told myself before I started the workout.  I had told myself to do whatever I could during the workout as hard as I could because I didn't want to have any regrets when it was over.  I wanted to leave it all in the workout and know there was nothing I could have done better!  I went back over and picked up the bar!  I ended up doing 4 more snatches before time was called.  I finished with a score of 129!!  I really couldn't have been happier with my score. No, it was not a score that would get me to regionals and no, it was not the best score in our box, but I beat my 121 from Friday and I got further than I really ever thought I would have!  It meant so much to me that there were about 8 people that were standing there the entire time just to support me.  They actually believed I could do this, even when I thought I was too tired.  It was such an amazing feeling to have those people around and to do the best I could in that workout.

                          This is a picture of the sweat angel that I made on the floor after the workout.


I was so happy with how things went Sunday that when I looked at the WOD for Monday I wasn't scared even though it had box jumps in it.  It was 21, 15, and 9 of box jumps, push presses (75#), and toes to bar (knees to elbows).  I started out with just the 12 inch box with a 45# plate on top.  It took me about 15 seconds to get going because I was hesitating with that first jump.  I got through the first round and added a 25# plate to the box jump too.  I was amazed that I could actually jump that high!!  I ended up finishing in 13:33.  Not the fastest time but I was so excited that I had jumped higher than I had ever done before.  I made Travis measure it to see exactly how high it was.  It was 17 inches!!! I was really happy with how I did!!

Walk out

I hurt my back last night when I fell doing a lift. It hurt through the entire WOD last night but I iced it and took some Motrin and thought that would do the trick. I saw the WOD for tonight and it had dead lifts in it. Usually I would be REALLY excited about that, but it just made me cringe thinking about my back. I was hoping that I could work through it. I ran the 400m warmup and could feel my lower back tightening up. We went into the rest of the warm up, which was 20 box jump burpees for time. I got through about seven but every time I moved I felt like someone was stabbing me in my lower back. I knew at that point this was not going to be a good night. Morgan showed me some stretches to do but it still hurt. I knew that there was probably something they could do to scale the WOD for me but I was just mad. I was mad that I couldn't do the WOD, as it was.  I was mad that I couldn't just mentally fight through the pain.  I walked out of the box without even saying goodbye to anyone. I had to get out of there before I started to cry. I wasn't crying because of the pain. I was crying because I was mad and disappointed in myself. I should have been able to stay and cheer everyone else on as they worked out but I just couldn't do it mentally. I have felt like I have been getting worse instead of better lately and I'm really frustrated. I know that it is mostly mental but I am struggling to get over this hump. People say I need to listen to my body and rest. I can't afford to rest. I have rested for WAY too many years. Every day I don't go to the box and workout is a day that I feel like I am getting further behind. I hope tomorrow is better.

Feeling trapped

This post is not about my workout today, and some of you might not even understand what I'm talking about in this post.
When I started this journey I only did it for myself. I wasn't trying to impress anyone or trying to get compliments. I just wanted to feel better about myself and wanted to give myself every chance of living a very long life. Don't get me wrong the compliments are very appreciated and almost needed. I thought that because I was doing this only for myself that I would automatically see myself in a better light. I thought that some of my major health issues would disappear. I thought that I would be satisfied. I am learning now that this is going to be a big mental transformation too.
I never saw myself as "big and beautiful" like some women do (I'm kind of jealous of them). I always just saw myself as fat. I would even make fat jokes about myself. I thought that losing weight would change how I saw myself, but it hasn't. People tell me that I look great and I've done an awesome job. People even say that I inspire them. The problem is that I feel trapped by my mind because it still sees me as much larger than what I am now. It doesn't matter that I can fit in clothes that I haven't been able to wear in years. In my mind I still see the old me. I didn't realize how much of a mental and emotional change this physical change was going to have on me. I also realized I hod behind my fat. In a workout I still think I can't do certain things because I'm thinking of my old body. I know it is going to be an adjustment and it might be a slow one, but I hate feeling trapped by my own brain.
I also thought that some of my major health issues would go away. Now, some of them have, like my chronic knee pain has all but disappeared, and I have been able to cut my blood pressure meds in half. I can now bend over to tie my shoes and not feel like I am going to pass out because I cannot breathe. I can walk up and down stairs without being out of breath. My feet don't hurt from standing all day. The one thing that the doctors were convinced would change with weight loss did not though. I have had a fatty liver for as long as I can remember and the doctors have all blamed it on my weight (even though I told them it was a hereditary condition). Since I have lost weight my enzymes have actually gotten higher and I will have to go see a specialist for it. This is something that I knew in my heart wouldn't change but I had hoped I was wrong and the doctors were actually right for once.   There are a lot of things that have improved in my life health wise, but this is just something I will have to accept I can't do anything about by losing weight.
None of this post should make anyone think that I am giving up and quitting. That is definitely not what this post is meant for. I just know that many people lose weight for many different reasons and are discouraged when they don't get exactly what they want. Am I discouraged?  Maybe a little. But, I just know that I have to work harder mentally to be able to see myself the way that others see me. It won't be an overnight thing but I'm not giving up. I'm not even close to my goal weight yet!!  As for the health issues, they will work themselves out and there is nothing else I can do besides what I've been doing. I know a lot of you probably think I'm crazy but I know some of you will get it.

My Second Filthy Fifty

Today was different than the first time I saw Filthy Fifty as the WOD on the website. Last time I wasn't scared until right before we started the workout. Today it was a mental battle all day to even decide if I wanted to try it again. The first time was only a month ago and pretty fresh on my mind. I could feel the anxiety that I felt that night right before the WOD and the feeling of defeat when I had mentally checked out. I went straight to the box after work because I knew if I went home I wouldn't go tonight. The night started off frustrating to me because I was WAY behind everyone in the warmup when we ran 800m. I'm usually the last runner in but everyone was already setting up for the WOD when I got in. I partnered up with Kesha and we set up our station. Someone had already gotten the jump rope I like to use so I wasn't sure what was going to happen there. Travis said I could just row because I was struggling with this weighted jump rope I was trying to use. I told him that there was nothing wrong with my knees and I would just have to figure it out. Luckily one of the other girls had left her jump rope sitting near me so I ended up using it. I was very frustrated with myself though because I should be able to just adapt. It took me a long while to finish those stupid jump ropes but I was so glad when that part was over. The burpees came next. Last time I just did push-ups because I had just gotten back from surgery but this time I actually did burpees. I still can't really jump down to the push-up because my hands do still hurt some. It was more like a crawl up and down, but it was more than a regular push-up. I actually did wall balls this time too. I only used a ten pound ball but I did do them. Last time I used a 35# bar for the push presses but this time I used a 45# bar. Knees to elbows, jumping pull-ups, kettle bell swings, supermans, and walking lunges were all pretty much the same as last time. We did the WOD in reverse tonight so the box jumps came last. I wasn't nearly as nervous about them tonight as I was before because I have been working on them. I am still a little unsure about the 16 inch because I'm afraid of falling so I put a 45# plate on my 12 inch box, which makes it something like 15 inches. It did seem really high at the end of this workout because my legs were so tired but I really wanted to do it. I think Travis saw me hesitating and he told Carna to have me take the plate off and just make it 12 inches. I think both Carna and Travis were surprised when I told them NO. In my mind I had come this far in this WOD that I was NOT compromising at the end!  I knew that if I took that plate off it would be easier but that I would have been mad at myself later. They wrote my time up on the board but I honestly couldn't tell you what it was, and I didn't care. I finished and I did more than I did the first time, and that was ALL that mattered to me. I am so glad that I didn't WOD dodge today!!

Highlights

So I have been really bad about blogging lately. I could blame it on life just being crazy, but the real reason is that I have just been really frustrated with myself. Travis constantly tells me that I am way too hard on myself and I'm sure he's right. There are a few things that I will highlight though. Last week we did a five minute EMOM of five unbroken deadlifts. The RX weight was 225# for girls. I wasn't sure what weight I was going to be doing because my max is only 235#. When Chad said that I would be doing 225# I thought he was kidding and crazy!  I didn't think there was anyway I could do that much weight unbroken for that many rounds. Again, my coach had more faith in me than I did and knew I could do it. I felt so great at the end of those five minutes because I had done everyone of them unbroken!!  In the past couple of weeks I have also gotten much better at jumping rope. I am definitely not the fastest person but I am not completely terrified by it now. Tonight we did a WOD that included 430 single jump ropes. I was the last person to finish, but my time wasn't over 15 minutes. I wasn't too far behind everyone else either!  I can also do a 12 inch box jump without hesitating now!  This was a big accomplishment because before I would just stare at the box for at least a few minutes before I would make that first jump. I can do the 16 inch but it still scares me a bit. Oh, I almost forgot, I can do a pull-up now. Granted it is with two bands, but I can still do it!!
I know I have gotten better at a lot of things but I have just been really frustrated that my hands do hurt still and my mind tells me that I still can't do somethings. My mind is still stuck in the body I once had that didn't do anything and it is playing catch up (but at a much slower pace than I like). I am so very blessed to have the coaches at Crossfit2L2Q that believe in me even when I don't and push me to my limits. The support I get from them and my class that stays late some nights just to cheer me on as I finish a WOD is nothing less than amazing!  So, even though I'm frustrated with how I've been doing I know that I have an awesome support team that believes in me and will push me to succeed. And that makes up for any frustration and doubt I may have in myself.

Playing catch up

I'm sorry I have neglected my blog this past week. This past week showed me exactly how much your workouts can be affected by what is going on in life. I haven't really been sleeping very well for about three weeks and I had already seen the changes that had made to my workouts. Then this past Sunday one of my dachshunds went down in the back and Monday I took her to the vet. The workout on Monday wasn't great for me because I was stressed and hadn't gotten any sleep Sunday night. Then Tuesday was the day everything really fell apart. I realized there was nothing I could do for Tensley, my dachshund, and that I was going to have to make some really hard decisions. An added bonus to that day was that I locked myself out of my house. Wednesday was a treat because I didn't even get through the warmup without falling while I was trying to run. I skinned up my knee, elbow, and hands. My hands have hurt ever since that fall. I have physically been at Crossfit everyday but my mind and emotions have been somewhere else. My heart wasn't in it last week. I wanted to wait and post about the week after it was over and not while I was in the middle of so much emotional pain on top of bad workouts.

Because of everything that went on this past week I'm just going to focus on a couple of workouts. On Tuesday we did five rounds of 10 dead lifts and 150 single jump ropes. I was only doing 165# in dead lift so I wasn't that concerned about that part. The jump ropes were a completely different matter though. I have struggled with these for a while and almost cried just thinking about how long it was going to take me to do them. I got through the first round of dead lifts pretty quick and started jumping rope. I wasn't even half way through with my first 150 and I realized that Katherine was on round three!  I finally got through the first round and started the dead lifts again. I dreaded getting done with the lifts because that meant I had to jump rope again!  I struggled through three and a half rounds, and, yes, tears came to my eyes many times during this workout. I begged Chad to just let me do 150 dead lifts. Anything would be better than that stupid jump rope. When I was half way through with the jump ropes in round four everyone else was already done. Travis came down to where I was jumping rope and said I was going to finish the workout, and he knew I could do it. I told him I had a whole other round to go. He said that was fine and I could do it!  I'm glad that him and Chad had faith in me because I certainly didn't!  My entire class stayed and cheered me on. Travis did burpees beside me while I was jumping on the fourth round. I did the last lifts pretty quick and got back to jumping rope. Travis did kettle bell swings next to me while I was doing round five. At one point I really didn't think I could keep going and Travis stepped over to me and reminded me of how far I have come and that I could do this too!  It took a few minutes for me to finally finish all of those jump ropes but I did!!  It took me over 30 minutes to finish the workout and I held the class there late because it took so long. But, they stayed and cheered me on until the end. That day was one of the hardest that I have had mentally and physically (except for the Filthy Fifty) but I was overwhelmed by the support I got from my coaches and class. They didn't have to stay late to watch me finish and Travis certainly didn't have to do burpees and kettle bell swings while I was finishing those last rounds. But they did stay and Travis knew that it would push me and make me feel more comfortable if someone else was working out with me. I am truly blessed.

Thursday we did a workout that had three rounds if various amounts of back squats, burpees, body rows, and box jumps. I couldn't do burpees because my hands hurt every time I put pressure on them. Travis said I could do jump ropes instead of the burpees (I was really excited about that---I thought about how I could possibly do burpees instead of jump ropes, but there was no way with the pain in my hands). I did do the RX for back squats which was 95#. The plan was that I was going to do 12 inch box jumps too. I did the first round of back squats and body rows pretty easily. When I got to the box jumps I froze. Yes, I know I have done it before but my mind just said I couldn't do it for some reason. Chad tried to convince me that I could do it but I just couldn't. I ended up doing 16 inch step ups for the first two rounds instead. On the last round I decided that I was going to try the box jump again. The first seven I balanced myself with the bars using both my hands, on the eighth I used one hand, and on the final one I didn't use my hands for balancing. The workout took me over 19 minutes (it would have taken a lot less time if my mind would have just told me I could do those box jumps).

Friday was a hard day because I ended up having to say goodbye to Tensley. I didn't want to go home after I left the vet's office so I went to open gym at the box. I wasn't sure what I was going to do but I did want to work on my jump ropes and box jumps. I ended up making up a workout where I did 10, 15, 20, 25, and 30 12 inch box jumps with 50 single jump ropes in between each round. That first box jump took a while. I hesitated for several minutes, but once I got going it wasn't so bad.  On the second round of jump ropes I finally learned how to jump rope without the extra hop in the middle. I got through the workout and then I just wanted to see if I could jump any higher than the 12 inch box. Chad helped me make it 14 inches and then Travis said I could do 16. I wasn't sure about the 16 but I wanted to try it. I ended up doing 10 of the 16 inch box jumps!!  Although it was a very hard day for me emotionally I think that the pressure of the week was finally off of me and I could focus a little bit more. I'm pretty sure Tensley was watching over me and giving me strength to believe in myself too.

Night of redemption

Last night before I left Crossfit I told Travis that I was sorry. He said there was no need to be sorry because tomorrow was for redemption. He was right because tonight I was a lot more mentally focused than I was last night. I got to the box early so I could do my 10 box jumps. I did the first 10 but Travis didn't see them, so I did another 10 (and I didn't fall once)!  When it was time for my class we started out by doing 5 rounds of 5 back squats at 85% of our 1RM. Before I left my 1RM was 230# but I wasn't sure that I could base it off of that because I haven't really been working on back squats very much since I got back. I worked my way up to 185# which was around 85% of 215#. I didn't do all five rounds because I did so many warm ups getting to that weight that I ran out of time. But, I did get in 3 rounds of 5 at 185#. The next part of the WOD was 5, 400m runs (or some people did 5 rounds of 500m rows). I just assumed that I was going to row because the runs were supposed to be sprints and I don't really sprint anywhere!  When I was getting out the rower Travis asked me how my knees were and I told him they were fine. He said I was running then!  I told him I would run but that I wasn't fast. He didn't care and said the only way I was going to get faster was to actually run, so I did. My class is pretty amazing.  We all ran the 400's and of course I was pretty much last every time but they waited and let me rest before we would start the next 400m. I did walk a few times, but I ran most of the time!  I'm glad Travis didn't tell me I was running until right before we started because I would have probably psyched myself out like I did last night!  I am still in a little bit of awe that I actually ran that much and didn't die!  After we got done with the run we all stayed and did the skill which was 8 rounds of sit-ups for 20 seconds and planks for 10. What a night!!

Filthy Fifty

Tonight was an interesting night for me. I read the WOD last night and knew it was going to be hard but I wasn't scared of it. Then, right before we started tonight, something clicked in my head that told me there was no way I was going to be able to do this WOD. I psyched myself out before we even started and I had to go to the bathroom because I could feel the tears in my eyes. I even told Chad that I might quit during the workout. Tonight's WOD was called Filthy Fifty. We had to do 50 box jumps, jumping pull-ups, kettle bell swings (35#), walking lunges, knees to elbow, push press (35#), wall balls, supermans, burpees (I did push-ups), and double unders (150 singles). Yes that is fifty of each thing except for the single jump ropes. The thing that freaked me out the most were the box jumps, and they were first!  I've never done any box jump!  I've only done step ups and the thought of having to jump even on the 12 inch box freaked me out. I told Chad that there was no way I could do it and I did step ups. Even though I just did step ups the damage was already done mentally for the entire WOD. I finished the step ups, got through the jumping pull-ups, and went to do kettle bell swings. I just stood there and looked at the kettle bell thinking that there wasn't any way that I could do 50 of those!  Travis walked up to me with the chalk bucket. I told him I didn't need it because I couldn't do it. He was really nice and said to just take deep breaths and pick up the kettle bell and that chalk would help. Chad and Travis knew that I had mentally checked out of the workout tonight, but they knew that I could get through it. I got some chalk and picked up the kettle bell. It took a while but i DID get through all 50 of them. The walking lunges and knees to elbow weren't too terrible. I got through the push press faster than anything else but I knew harder parts were at the end of the WOD. I used a 14# med ball and did squat presses instead of wall balls. If Katherine and Carna wouldn't have been there I wouldn't have gotten through this part or supermans and push ups. They sat there and helped me count down these parts and wouldn't let me stop. During the squat presses I could feel the tears in my eyes again so I just shut my eyes and took deep breaths as Carna and Katherine counted them down for me. When I finally got done with all of these things I knew it still wasn't over because somehow I was supposed to do 150 single jump ropes!  This is another thing that I have NEVER done in a workout, and I quit last week when they were in the warmup. Chad wouldn't let me quit. I finally told him that I was only at 69. His answer was that I didn't even think I could do that many and I was basically half way done!  Rachel and Chad helped me count down the last ones. When it was over Chad told me that he wasn't going to let me quit and that they have faith in me so I should too. I went in the bathroom and wiped the tears and sweat off my face and started to leave. Katherine caught me and told me I did a good job. We talked about how some days are just off days and you feel defeated and want to cry, but you finish the WOD and come back the next day ready to do better. At this point there were several people that had walked out and we started talking. Travis walked out and I told him I was defeated before I even started the WOD because of the box jumps and jump rope. He said that I would start doing 10 box jumps every day to get used to it.  Some of the people standing there even said that they would do 10 burpees if I did the box jumps each night!  I told them that mentally I just couldn't do it.  When I said that "Little Mama" (one of the women that was in our class tonight) and Rachel took me back inside and said I was going to do a box jump tonight!  I was pretty sure they were crazy because there was no way I was even thinking about doing one more thing after that workout!  We went back inside and set up the 12 inch box in between two poles and they told me to hold onto the poles for balance and jump. It took me a few seconds but I finally jumped!  Once I did it that one time Travis told me to keep going. Then he told me to do it with one hand and then no hands for balance! I hesitated on doing it with no hands, so Travis came over and held my hand and with each jump he would let go more until he had completely let go!  Then I did about five with no hands!!  I am so blessed to workout with people who actually care about my achievements and won't let me quit!!
So tonight was all over the place mentally and physically but I will be back at it tomorrow.

Mentally and physically hard night!

Tonight was a tough one!! The WOD was a 2000m row, 150 air squats, and 30 hang cleans for time. I wasn't too concerned about the row. I knew it would be long but it would be the easier part of the WOD. I got done with row in about 10 minutes. That isn't a great time but I didn't sprint through it. The 150 air squats were much more challenging than I had anticipated. I guess my legs were tired from the row, because the squats seemed to take me forever to get through. The part that I was really worried about was the hang clean part. I was doing 85# and it seemed impossible!  I really did want to quit when I had 26 left and I didn't think I could lift the bar one more time. I got down to 15 and everyone was finished!  I was really down on myself at that point. I was just standing there looking at the bar like it was going to magically lift itself up!  I'm lucky that I workout with some amazing people and have awesome coaches!  Chad and Travis were there the entire 30 hang cleans telling me that I could lift it and that they wouldn't push me to do it if they didn't know I could. Allison is the best cheerleader and helped me count down the last 15. Even when I told her I didn't think I could do anymore she was there telling me I could. When everyone finished with their WOD they cheered me on until I was done (even though it was after we should have already left). I did finish the entire thing in around 30 minutes. I'm not sure of the exact time because I just kind of threw the bar down after the last hang clean. It is very frustrating to me to have to build back up some of my strength. Before my surgery 85# wouldn't have been nearly as hard as it was tonight. I just have to keep telling myself to be patient, and that is NOT an easy thing for me to do!  Although it did take me longer than everyone else tonight and I struggled through the WOD I was very satisfied when I was finished!  I have to focus on the accomplishment!!
This is a side note but is something that really made me think tonight. One of the guys told me how good I looked and he could really tell that I had lost quite a bit of weight. I told him I was starting another 24 Day Challenge on February 1st. He stopped me right there and said he wasn't downplaying the things I was doing like the Challenge and the Paleo diet but that I needed to take more credit for how far I've come. It really did touch me because it is true. I'm not really good at saying I've done this because I just haven't been comfortable with it. Just like when someone compliments me I don't really know what to say. It made me think though because I am the one that makes myself go to workout everyday, even when I know it is going to be really hard, and I'm the one that has to choose everything I put in my body. I think that some of it comes from the fact that I have tried SO many things in the past and NEVER succeeded.  The fact that I can do this is just a weird concept for me to grasp.

Gymnastics and a new PR on my clean

Yesterday was my birthday and I really couldn't think of anything I would have rather done!  I spent the first part of the day being lazy, but I went to Crossfit early where I could get in a little extra workout. I did the warmup with the earlier class. The warmup was 4, 200m sprint rows for time with stretches in between each row. All of my times were 52 seconds and lower. When the class started the WOD I did 3 extra 200m sprint rows. Then I waited and did the whole thing over again plus the WOD with my regular class. So I rowed 2200m yesterday!  The WOD was mostly gymnastics skills. We did 7 rounds of L sits on the parallels, handstand push ups, 21 unbroken kettle bell swings, and ring dips. It was to get as many reps that you could in each thing so it wasn't timed. I started out by sitting on the box and holding my legs up for as long as I could instead of L sits, but by the end I was trying to actually do it on the parallels.  I couldn't hold it for long, but I did it!!  I did wall push-ups instead of handstand push-ups. I wasn't sure that I was going to be able to do all of the kettle bell swings, but I made it through six rounds with the 35# weight!  I did the ring dips with a blue band. I only had one knee in the band because I had one foot down so I didn't put too much pressure on my hands. I pushed myself pretty hard yesterday, but it was completely worth it!  I wanted to start my 32nd year off right, and I don't think I could have done anything better than getting an extra workout in and pushing myself to do things I really never thought I would ever be able to do (like holding myself up on the parallels...even if it wasn't for very long).
I looked st WOD for today, and I wasn't too excited. It was cleans and running (2 things that I struggle with). I also knew that I was going to probably be limited to what weight I could do on the clean, and I wasn't really looking forward to another day of just lifting 45 and 55 pounds. I started doing the warmup, which had jump roping in it, and started my normal jumping up and down. Travis saw me and told me to get a jump rope. I really didn't want to because I really can't jump rope. I'm not coordinated enough to do it. We were supposed to do 30 double unders or 90 singles. I did maybe 5 singles and quit. I don't think I have really ever just quit doing something at Crossfit because I didn't think I could do it until today. I have had to stop doing some things because of injuries, but not just because my mind won't let me do it. Today was the first time for that and I was really mad at myself for many reasons. I could feel my frustration building. I finished the rest of the warmup, but not with the best attitude about what we were doing. We got to the WOD and I asked Chad what I could start out with on the bar. He said to do 45# and I would determine how much weight I lifted from there!! What?!  I was really excited when I heard this, because, even though I struggle with cleans, I couldn't wait to see what I could actually lift!!  I ended up starting out with 55# and worked all the way up to 115#!!!  That was a PR for me tonight! Before surgery I couldn't do more than 100#, and almost hurt myself doing 105#. Tonight 115# felt great!!  After this excitement I came back to reality and realized we still had to run. Everyone else ran 1 mile, rested for 5 minutes, and ran another mile. I ran 800m both times instead of the mile, because I'm pretty sure no one would have wanted to wait on me to finish two miles. Even though I only ran 800m I still wasn't very excited, but I finish both in around 5 minutes a piece and ran almost the entire way!  I was pretty happy!  After we got done I told Travis that I quit on the jump ropes (he knew), but all he said was that I need to work on them every day that I come in and I will get it. He couldn't believe it when I told him I got a PR in cleans tonight!! I could hardly believe it myself because it has only been a little over 5 weeks since I had surgery and I've only been back to the box for a week and a half!!  This was a good day that I never saw coming!!  I am so blessed!

Good start to the week

I went to workout on Saturday. I rarely get to do Saturday WOD's because I'm usually working my second job at that time. I was excited to get an extra workout in before I do start back working on Saturdays. We were just doing the second part of the warmup and were doing short sprints. I got two steps into the sprint and could feel that something was off with my steps. It kind of felt like slow motion because I knew I was going to fall. I skinned up my elbow and right hand a little bit. I got bandaged up (because I was bleeding) and finished the rest of the WOD. I have never fallen during a workout!  I don't know why I decided that outside on the concrete and after my hand surgery was the best place and time to take my first dive. My hands hurt for most if the weekend and I just kept taking Motrin and icing them. By today they were a little sore but most of the swelling had gone down.
Today was actually a good day for me because I could do most of the workout. There is a way that you can do front squats where you really don't have to put any pressure on your hands. Although everyone else was working to get their 1RM in front squats I was just working on building up some strength. I ended up doing 105# several times, so that wasn't too bad. I did do some push presses but I modified my grip where I wasn't putting too much pressure on my wrists. I did 3 rounds of 10 with 55#. That might sound like a lot to some people since I am still not 100% with my hands, but that is only about half of what I could do before the surgery (so I was fine). The WOD was 5 rounds of 200m run (I rowed) and 30 wall balls (I basically just did thrusters with the 14# med ball because the pressure of the ball falling on my hands would have been too much). It was a really tough workout but it was so satisfying!  I finished in 15:02 and was pretty happy with that time!  This was a good way to start the week, and now I'm ready for tomorrow :)

First week back was tough

I haven't posted for the past couple of days because I have been really frustrated with myself. I've basically been coming home, icing my hands, and taking Motrin every night. My hands have been really tired from typing at work and the LITTLE I have done with them at the box. I did do a few lifts on Wednesday but nothing very heavy. It was basically just light weight where I could at least practice my form. Last night was the really frustrating night because my left hand hurt before I even got to Crossfit. I couldn't do any lifting (actually Travis threatened to make two of my friends do burpees if I picked the bar back up)!  I did do the WOD though. It was a 15 minute AMRAP of 21 step ups (while holding a 25# plate), 15 box jumps (I did sit ups), and 9 toes to bar (I did knees to bar on the rings). I started out with the 25# plate on step ups but by the second round I went down to 15#. I'm not really sure how I did the step ups at all, because my legs were killing me from earlier this week. I could feel them trembling as I stepped up the first few times. By the end of the 15 minutes I was just holding the weight with my right hand during the step ups because my left was hurting so bad. Doing the knees to bar on the rings wasn't too bad on my hands because there is more give to how your hands can move with the rings compared to the bar. I got 4 and 2/3 rounds done in the 15 minutes, so I wasn't too upset with that!  It's just frustrating because my favorite thing to do is lift during the workouts and I can't do very much of that right now. I am not a very patient person so I have been very resistant to everyone telling me to take it slow. Although I struggle with taking it slow and listening to my body when it is in real pain I am going to try and look towards what I will be able to do in a month from now if I allow myself to completely heal. (This is much easier said than done though!)

Barbara is a killer!!

It's so good to be back at Crossfit, but my legs hurt so bad it is hard to even sit down!!  It is good pain though because it means I am just getting stronger!  Tonight was a hard workout!  Allison and I did a modified "Barbara" WOD because we are both injured, but even the modified WOD was hard. It was 5 rounds of 10 body rows, 20 wall push ups, 30 sit ups, and 40 squats for time. By the second round of squats I couldn't even feel my legs. I'm not sure how I made it through the WOD!  We had a 3 minute rest between each round (but it felt like 30 seconds after the second round) so I just kept telling myself if I can make it through these sit ups and squats I can rest. I ended finishing in a little over 19 minutes. It was really good to have Allison there to workout with me. She is such a good cheerleader and that is definitely what I needed tonight!  My legs and abs hurt from the last two days but I'll be back at it tomorrow!
This is just a side note but last night I weighed myself because several people had told me that I looked like I had lost more weight since I had been out. I couldn't believe it when I looked at the scale!  I have officially lost 50 pounds since September!  I am so glad I started Crossfit, have stayed on the paleo diet, and did the 24 Day Challenge!  I will do another challenge starting February 1 and I can't wait to see what my results will be from that!  And, I have paleo chicken tomato soup in the crockpot right now!  These are some of the best decisions I have ever made for myself!

First day back!

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I had surgery on my hands in Texas and spent some really good time with my family (probably the most time I've spent with them in about 10 years and it felt great). I want to thank everyone for all of your cards, texts, thoughts, and prayers. It really does mean so much to me to know that I have such a great support system. I had surgery on December 14 and was supposed to be out for at least 6 to 8 weeks for recovery. Today I went back to work (I'm only doing half days for the next 3 weeks) and was able to go back for my first workout at Crossfit!  The doctor was amazed how well I recovered from the surgery. I was able to start working out only four weeks after having bilateral carpal tunnel surgery (which is pretty freaking awesome)!  I'm pretty sure it was because I really am in the best shape if my life, I stuck to my paleo diet, and I took my Advocare vitamins. I can't believe how well I recovered either!
Tonight was my first day back at the box.  I'm not going to lie, I was pretty nervous about going back after being gone for 5 weeks!  I walked into the box and was overwhelmed by the love that I was shown as I walked through the door. Everyone clapped, gave me a hug, and said how glad they were that I was back!  This is why I love Crossfit2l2q!  We are a family and everyone notices when someone is gone!  You won't find that just anywhere!  We started the warmup with a 400m run. This is the part I get nervous about because I am not a good runner anyway, much less being out for 5 weeks. I was pleasantly surprised with myself because I ran the whole 400m without walking once!!  We got back in and I did air squats and wall push ups (this was modified from what everyone else did because I still can't put too much pressure on my hands). Then we had 12 minutes to get our 1RM in back squats. This is where I got a little frustrated because this is one if my favorite things to do and I can't put too much weight on my wrists. I ended up doing 55# the entire time (which is no where near my 1RM of 230#). I would have probably put more weight on but I'm lucky that I have people at the box that really do have my best interest at heart. There were several guys that made sure I didn't add anymore weight to the bar. I know they were right but I am super impatient and wanted to see if I could do more. Then we had 12 more minutes to find our 1RM in presses. I did a couple of rounds with 55# (which was easy) until Clinton noticed that I had weight on the bar and promptly took it off. I finished the 12 minutes doing the 35# bar. Again, I know he was right but I am impatient!  After the strength part of the WOD we started the regular workout. I did 300 single jump rope (well I did my virtual jump roping because I still can't do the real thing yet--but I will be working on that Friday), 25  wall ball squats with a 14# med ball ( I just did the squat and press with the ball instead of throwing it up against the wall), 225 jump rope, 25 wall ball, 150 jump rope, and another 25 wall balls. I didn't do too bad on the workout. I was really happy with how I did today and I feel great!  I'm so glad to be back at the box. I have missed everyone so much!