My Mind Can't Catch Up with My Body

A lot of people have been asking me for pictures of what I look like now.  I have been really hesitant to take pictures just because I have never really liked pictures of myself.  To satisfy my friends and family that live out of town I broke down and took a few pictures.  I posted the one of me in the bridesmaid dress and the one below on Facebook, so everyone could see.  I got a lot of really sweet comments on both pictures, but, to be honest, I wasn't really impressed with them.  When I got to Crossfit last night Travis said he liked the pictures.  I told him thank you, but I think he could tell by my face that I wasn't impressed.  He asked me an odd question. He asked if I could tell the difference.  The answer I gave him might seem crazy to a lot of you.  I told him "Not really." He looked at me and said that was what he thought I was going to say.  He then asked me how long I had been overweight.  When I told him all of my life (even when I played soccer) he just gave me a look.  He said what I have been thinking for a while now.  He told me it was going to be hard for me to see the changes in myself.  He also said that this was going to take a while for my mind to realize how my body has changed.  I agreed with him and told him I thought it was probably going to be a long time for me to wrap my head around all of this change.  Then he told me that one day it will happen.  I will walk by a mirror, see a picture of myself, or something like this and will realize that I am completely different on the outside!
It is a mental thing.  When I look in the mirror I just see the same old Emily, as I have always been. I hope this does happen for me because I want to COMPLETELY enjoy the fruits of my labor, but I don't think it will happen in the near future.  When you have lived in an obese body for so long it is very hard to grasp that you could actually be smaller, that pictures won't make you sad because you are the largest person in them, that you don't always have to go to the Plus Size section in the clothing store, etc.  Don't get me wrong, I can obviously tell that I am wearing smaller clothes, that the scale has a smaller number on it, and that I have a lot more energy and feel better, but I just can't tell the difference when I look in the mirror yet.  It will change one day, and I might pass out from joy when it happens.  Until then I will keep track of my journey with pictures just to show everyone how far I have come, and so that when that day does come that my mind catches up with my body I will be able to fully understand how far I have come too.

I don't really like this picture, but was the best out of like 6 that were taken. 

The Dress

I bought a bridesmaid dress in September 2012 for a wedding I am going to be in this May.  When I bought it I was embarrassed because it was almost the largest size they made.  I tried to tell myself that it was because these types of dresses run small.  That is true, but it didn't change the fact that I was much larger than I wanted to be, or had been in years past.  I bought the dress and told the bride that I was going to try to lose weight before the wedding, and I would just get it altered.  When I said this I really didn't think I would lose any weight before the wedding.  I had always said I would lose weight for certain things but it never really happened.  I bought the dress thinking I would never have to get it taken in. 

I have tried a million different ways to lose weight but I have never really been successful.  Even when I played soccer I was overweight, so I just didn't think it was possible for me.  The day after Labor Day of last year was the day I started a journey that would truly change this way of thinking, because this was the day I started Crossfit!  What I never thought could happen is actually becoming a reality!  I am currently down 60 pounds, 6 pant sizes, and over 23 inches all over my body!  Needless to say the dress I bought in September does not fit anymore.  I can now step into it while it is zipped and pull it up over clothes I already have on.  If I let go of it, it will drop to the ground!  Since it is now so close to the wedding I started getting worried that there would be no way it could be taken in, so I decided to go to an alterations place and see what could be done.  The lady looked at me with wide eyes when I put the dress on for her.  As she was pinning about 3 inches of fabric in on each side she said it could be done.  I will be taking it back at the end of April to have it altered because I'm not sure if I will lose any more inches between now and the end of May.  I just don't want to take the chance and get it done now and it not fit again in 6-8 weeks.  This will be the happiest $40 I will ever spend on alterations!

The bride of the wedding came into town the other day and I tried the dress on for her to see the difference herself.  While it was still zipped I slipped the dress on over my workout clothes!  It is kind of crazy!

A Pretty Decent Week

This was a pretty good week of workout. I felt really good with how I did on the first WOD of the Open, and it made me feel better about my workouts this week. The one night that really sticks out in my mind was the night that dead lifts were in the strength part of our workout. I always like to see dead lifts in a WOD because I really enjoy them and I'm actually pretty good at them too. When I read the workout I had to take a second glance to make sure I read it right. It was a 6 minute EMOM (every minute on the minute) alternating 5 dead lifts and ring dips. The catch was that the dead lifts were supposed to be 85% of your one rep max. I did the math about 10 times to make sure I was right. My 1RM for dead lift is 290#, so I would be lifting 246.5# in the WOD!! That's a lot of weight to do a total of 15 times!  When I got to the box I ended up going down to 245# instead if up to 250# and I did push-ups instead of ring dips (because I still can't really do the ring dips). I think this was probably one of the hardest strength WOD's I've done. I did complete all of the lifts at 245#, and I was kind of impressed with myself because I really wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it the whole way through!  I would really like to be able to dead lift at least 300-315# in the next six months or so!  I know that sounds crazy to a lot of people but I really do enjoy lifting!
On Wednesday night the second WOD for the Open was announced. I had been hoping that there would be dead lifts in it (and I was kind of hoping they would be heavy). I got part of what I wanted. The 13.2 WOD was a 10 minute AMRAP of 5 shoulder to overhead lifts (75#), 10 dead lifts (75#), and 15 box jumps (20 inches). So, although they weren't heavy, I did get my dead lifts. I was kind of excited because it was another WOD that I could actually do everything. I hadn't been sure about the box jumps but the standards said it could be a step up too. I hadn't done 20 inch step ups but I sure as heck was going to do it now!  I was also a little nervous because this should be one of the WOD's that I should do really well on.  I knew the lifts should be the easy part for me, because even just doing step ups instead of box jumps was going to be very tiring and a killer on my legs!  I decided to get judged on Thursday. I wasn't really sure what to expect out of myself so I wanted to have time to redo the WOD if I thought I could have done better. As we were getting ready Clinton said I should at least be able to get five rounds in. That would be 2 minutes per round. He estimated about 30 seconds for the lifts and that would give me 1:30 to do the step ups. Once he said that I immediately wanted to do more than five rounds!  Clinton was going to be my judge, and I knew he would push me to keep going throughout the WOD. Dusti came to watch too and I knew that she wouldn't have a problem yelling at me to keep me going when I would want to give up. When the time started I picked up the bar and went to do my first lift. I hit myself in the chin!  It startled me but I didn't drop the bar. I tried to regroup and do the lift again. For some reason I couldn't lift it!  I dropped the bar and paused for a few seconds. All I could hear was Clinton telling me to pick the bar back up and get started!  I guess it was just jitters because when I picked the bar up again the lifts came pretty naturally. I got through about ten of the step ups in the first round and I realized how hard this WOD was really going to be!  My legs were burning like fire and I had only done 10!  I tried not to think about the pain and got through rounds two and three. At the beginning of round four I was exhausted and just wanted to give up. I was standing at the bar and I really didn't want to pick it up. I knew that I could get through all the lifts but then I was going to have to start on the step ups again and I just couldn't even think about that!  Clinton and Dusti were right there pushing me to keep going. I finished the lifts and went to the box for the step ups. I just looked at it!  It really wasn't until Clinton started beating on the box with his hand that I realized I was really going to have to do more and that I could do it. I had been making pretty decent time until that point but after that the step ups got slower and slower. I got through round five with about 2:30 left on the clock. I got through the lifts on round six really fast and started the step ups. Dusti was yelling at me not to stop, Clinton was smacking his poor hand on the box yelling for me to give him more, and Travis was beside me telling me I was going to get this round done. I finished the last step up when the timer read 0:01!  Travis kept telling me to go faster and I was just trying not to pause at all. My legs hurt so bad, and I wasn't even sure I was strong enough to push myself up on those last ten step ups. But, I did it!  I got through a full six rounds. When it was over I just laid on the box I had been using for step ups. I wasn't sure I could move!  I ended up with a score of 180. That wasn't too bad but I was hoping to be closer to 200. I am happy that I got past the five round mark though!!  I am going to redo it on Sunday to see if I can get a better score. I just want to see if I can at least get through the lifts in the 7th round. I think the frustrating part to me was that I could have done a lot more lifts because my arms weren't tired. I just want to see if I can do just a little better!

Fighting through the mentally hard stuff

Last week was not my finest.  I didn't finish the workout on Monday, walked out on Tuesday, and skipped on Wednesday.  Yes, I skipped a workout, and I was really mad at myself because that is the first time I have been in town and just didn't go.  I went on Thursday and warmed up but didn't actually workout.  I have been in a funk and just haven't been able to completely get out of it.  I haven't been sleeping well and there has just been a lot going on in my life.  I was just tired of always crying when I went to workout.  I wasn't crying because I was in pain.  I was crying because I was disappointed in how I was doing and felt like I should be able to do more. 
Things did change a little bit on Friday though. We just started the Crossfit Open last week and we had gotten the first WOD on Thursday.  I didn't do the workout on Thursday with most of the other people, and I wasn't really sure I was going to even participate in the Open (even though I had signed up).  Friday I went in for open gym, but I wasn't really sure I was going to workout. Stephanie was there and was going to do the WOD for the Open.  I told her I would do it just to practice where she wouldn't be doing it alone.  The WOD was 40 burpees, 30 45# snatches, 30 burpees, 30 75# snatches, 20 burpees, 30 100# snatches, 10 burpees, and then as many as possible of 120# snatches until 17 minutes was up.  I got 10 burpees into the workout and decided it just wasn't worth it that night.  Luckily one of the guys in my regular class, Mark, was there and told me I wasn't going to quit.  He stood there and counted all of my burpees and snatches for me.  When I got done I was actually kind of happy with how I did.  I really hate burpees and that was the part that really slowed me down, but I knew that was going to be the hardest part for me going into it.  I got through 21 of the 75# snatches (I would have scored a 121 that night if I had been judged).  I'm really glad Mark wouldn't let me quit that night because after I got done I was kind of pumped about how I might be able to do better on Sunday (when I would actually be judged).
I got to the box early on Sunday to cheer on the people that were going before me.  The closer it got to my time the more nervous I became.  What if I didn't beat my score from Friday?  What if I couldn't get through all of those burpees?  I was one of the last people to go that day, and I was so glad that some people stayed to watch and cheer me on.  My friend Dusti, who doesn't even Crossfit at our box, came to support me!!  The first 10 burpees weren't that bad, but after that I could feel the soreness in my muscles and knew I was getting tired.  I finally got through the first 40 burpees and headed to do the lifts.  I did the lifts in sets of 10 and then it was back to burpees.  I was really tired at this point and wasn't really sure I would actually make it through 30 more burpees.  The only thing that kept me going were the people around me cheering for me.  I could hear Dusti reminding me to breathe and telling me that I COULD do this.  At one point Travis had to smack me on the butt with his clipboard to get me to actually complete the burpee.  Jessie and Allison were there telling me how great I was doing.  I finally made it through the burpees and went back to the lifts.  This should have been the easy part for me but I was really tired.  I did about 5 snatches and put the bar down.  I was trying to them touch and go but I could only get in about 2 at a time.  I made it to about 24 and really thought I couldn't do anymore.  Morgan, who was judging me, came across the bar and told me to PICK UP THE BAR (she kind of yelled it lol).  She startled me enough that it reminded me of what I had told myself before I started the workout.  I had told myself to do whatever I could during the workout as hard as I could because I didn't want to have any regrets when it was over.  I wanted to leave it all in the workout and know there was nothing I could have done better!  I went back over and picked up the bar!  I ended up doing 4 more snatches before time was called.  I finished with a score of 129!!  I really couldn't have been happier with my score. No, it was not a score that would get me to regionals and no, it was not the best score in our box, but I beat my 121 from Friday and I got further than I really ever thought I would have!  It meant so much to me that there were about 8 people that were standing there the entire time just to support me.  They actually believed I could do this, even when I thought I was too tired.  It was such an amazing feeling to have those people around and to do the best I could in that workout.

                          This is a picture of the sweat angel that I made on the floor after the workout.


I was so happy with how things went Sunday that when I looked at the WOD for Monday I wasn't scared even though it had box jumps in it.  It was 21, 15, and 9 of box jumps, push presses (75#), and toes to bar (knees to elbows).  I started out with just the 12 inch box with a 45# plate on top.  It took me about 15 seconds to get going because I was hesitating with that first jump.  I got through the first round and added a 25# plate to the box jump too.  I was amazed that I could actually jump that high!!  I ended up finishing in 13:33.  Not the fastest time but I was so excited that I had jumped higher than I had ever done before.  I made Travis measure it to see exactly how high it was.  It was 17 inches!!! I was really happy with how I did!!

Walk out

I hurt my back last night when I fell doing a lift. It hurt through the entire WOD last night but I iced it and took some Motrin and thought that would do the trick. I saw the WOD for tonight and it had dead lifts in it. Usually I would be REALLY excited about that, but it just made me cringe thinking about my back. I was hoping that I could work through it. I ran the 400m warmup and could feel my lower back tightening up. We went into the rest of the warm up, which was 20 box jump burpees for time. I got through about seven but every time I moved I felt like someone was stabbing me in my lower back. I knew at that point this was not going to be a good night. Morgan showed me some stretches to do but it still hurt. I knew that there was probably something they could do to scale the WOD for me but I was just mad. I was mad that I couldn't do the WOD, as it was.  I was mad that I couldn't just mentally fight through the pain.  I walked out of the box without even saying goodbye to anyone. I had to get out of there before I started to cry. I wasn't crying because of the pain. I was crying because I was mad and disappointed in myself. I should have been able to stay and cheer everyone else on as they worked out but I just couldn't do it mentally. I have felt like I have been getting worse instead of better lately and I'm really frustrated. I know that it is mostly mental but I am struggling to get over this hump. People say I need to listen to my body and rest. I can't afford to rest. I have rested for WAY too many years. Every day I don't go to the box and workout is a day that I feel like I am getting further behind. I hope tomorrow is better.

Feeling trapped

This post is not about my workout today, and some of you might not even understand what I'm talking about in this post.
When I started this journey I only did it for myself. I wasn't trying to impress anyone or trying to get compliments. I just wanted to feel better about myself and wanted to give myself every chance of living a very long life. Don't get me wrong the compliments are very appreciated and almost needed. I thought that because I was doing this only for myself that I would automatically see myself in a better light. I thought that some of my major health issues would disappear. I thought that I would be satisfied. I am learning now that this is going to be a big mental transformation too.
I never saw myself as "big and beautiful" like some women do (I'm kind of jealous of them). I always just saw myself as fat. I would even make fat jokes about myself. I thought that losing weight would change how I saw myself, but it hasn't. People tell me that I look great and I've done an awesome job. People even say that I inspire them. The problem is that I feel trapped by my mind because it still sees me as much larger than what I am now. It doesn't matter that I can fit in clothes that I haven't been able to wear in years. In my mind I still see the old me. I didn't realize how much of a mental and emotional change this physical change was going to have on me. I also realized I hod behind my fat. In a workout I still think I can't do certain things because I'm thinking of my old body. I know it is going to be an adjustment and it might be a slow one, but I hate feeling trapped by my own brain.
I also thought that some of my major health issues would go away. Now, some of them have, like my chronic knee pain has all but disappeared, and I have been able to cut my blood pressure meds in half. I can now bend over to tie my shoes and not feel like I am going to pass out because I cannot breathe. I can walk up and down stairs without being out of breath. My feet don't hurt from standing all day. The one thing that the doctors were convinced would change with weight loss did not though. I have had a fatty liver for as long as I can remember and the doctors have all blamed it on my weight (even though I told them it was a hereditary condition). Since I have lost weight my enzymes have actually gotten higher and I will have to go see a specialist for it. This is something that I knew in my heart wouldn't change but I had hoped I was wrong and the doctors were actually right for once.   There are a lot of things that have improved in my life health wise, but this is just something I will have to accept I can't do anything about by losing weight.
None of this post should make anyone think that I am giving up and quitting. That is definitely not what this post is meant for. I just know that many people lose weight for many different reasons and are discouraged when they don't get exactly what they want. Am I discouraged?  Maybe a little. But, I just know that I have to work harder mentally to be able to see myself the way that others see me. It won't be an overnight thing but I'm not giving up. I'm not even close to my goal weight yet!!  As for the health issues, they will work themselves out and there is nothing else I can do besides what I've been doing. I know a lot of you probably think I'm crazy but I know some of you will get it.