stressful morning

I haven't posted in a while because I have been really busy! Today I wanted to just post about how thankful I am to be at Crossfit2L2Q. I went into workout this morning hoping that I would improve my time on the Filthy Fifty WOD. I hadn't done it in several months, so I figured that I would have to be better this time. As I was getting everything ready for the workout I was told that we couldn't do step ups today. We had to do box jumps. I wasn't thrilled about this because I haven't done box jumps in a while because of my knee, but it has been feeling better with my brace. As the workout started I just stared at the box. I tried several times to make myself jump, but it just wasn't happening. I stared at the box, I moved it around, and then I just walked away. My coach walked up to me and asked where I was going. I told him that I just couldn't do box jumps this morning. He walked me back over to the box and told me that I COULD do this, and reminded me that I had done it before. He stood there encouraging me until I got my first few jumps in (which was nine minutes after the workout had started). I finished the box jumps and moved to the rest of the workout. I was doing ok until I got to wall balls. I am not very good at wall balls in the first place, but to think about doing 50 this morning was torture. I threw my first two, and they kept spinning and not hitting the line. I tried a few more, and then walked away. I said that I was done. I meant it. There was no way that I was going to be able to do 50 wall balls. Everyone else in the class had finished the workout and I still had three more things to do! After he watched me put my kettle bell up my coach told me to try the 10 pound ball. He showed me what I was doing that was making it spin, and told me I wasn't quitting. As I struggled through the wall balls I had several people from my class around me cheering me on. Sandy told me to just breathe when she saw the tears rolling down my face. She knew it wasn't from pain but from me just beating myself up mentally. I finally finished the wall balls and went onto burpees and jump ropes. Even though the class had been over for about 30 minutes a lot of people from my class stayed to encourage me until the end. When I was FINALLY done my coach walked up to me and told me how proud he was of me for finishing. I was disappointed and mad at myself for how I had done. I am so thankful that I people in my box that believe in me and won't let me give up even when I am having a bad day. I am so thankful that they are encouraging even when I am frustrating. I can't imagine being anywhere else.

Struggles

I haven't posted very much lately because I have been so busy. There have been some good days but there have been a lot of not so good days. My mind and body have been on two completely different pages most of the time. Either my mind thinks I can do something and my body says NO or my mind just tells my body that it can't do something it is fully capable of doing. Last week I hit a pretty big brick wall mentally. There was a WOD that I wasn't even worried about until I got to the box and we started going over how to scale it to what you could do. The regular WOD had handstand push-ups in it and to scale it you either did a hand stand or wall climb. I can't do either one of the scaled things so I would have to do push ups AGAIN!  I mentally just broke because I felt like at this point I should be able to at LEAST do the scaled version of a WOD!  I couldn't even do the regular weights in the lifts for that WOD! I tried to leave because I was just so frustrated but Travis wouldn't let me and I just worked on form and mobility. It was a complete mind and pride thing because I was tired of just doing push-ups when people who started Crossfit after me were already doing handstand push-ups and if I couldn't even lift the weight (which is what I'm usually good at), then what was the point?!  It took a couple of days and a lot talking but I got over that and had a few good days this week. On Monday we did a WOD with deadlifts and handstand push-ups. I told myself before I got to the box that even if I just had to do push-ups in the WOD I would still do it and not be upset about it. I actually did really well in that workout and was happy about it. I have struggled through some of the other WOD's this week that included lifts because I haven't had the right form and it has kept me from bring able to go up in weight. I've been working on my form during and after class and I actually think it is getting a little bit better.
Tonight was a complete mess though!  My knees and back have been hurting for about two weeks now. I haven't really said anything because I didn't want people to think I was being a baby. Tonight was the worst night in a very long time for my knees and back!  After we ran the first 800m of the warmup I put the first dose of Biofreeze on both knees. I ran the last 800m of the warmup and had to put another thing of Biofreeze on them. When it came time for the actual WOD my knees and back were done. I did the first 300 jump ropes and just dealt with the pain. My back hurt all the way through the sit-ups but I dealt with that too. But, when I got to the set of 225 jump ropes I said enough was enough!  Every bounce hurt and at that point my mind AND my body just said that I was done. I wasn't happy about it. I was crying. Chad nor Travis were happy about it either. I was going to leave when Travis came and got me and told me I couldn't quit. I told him there was NO way I was finishing that WOD today !  He told me I couldn't just quit and he was setting up a rower for me. I rowed 400m and then left. I know Travis and Chad have to be frustrated with me because I am SUPER frustrated with myself!  I feel like they think I'm just a baby and a quitter. They would deny it  but I would think that if I were them. Tonight my mind was really ok with the WOD until the sit-ups but after that my body and mind just gave up!  I'm just tired of being so damn frustrated with my mind and my body. I need them to get on the same page sometime really soon!

update

I know I haven't posted in a while.  Things have been really busy.  This will just be a small update, but I wanted to tell you some of the things that have been going on in my world.  We just finished the Crossfit Open.  There were many workouts that I couldn't do most of the elements in.  I wasn't too discouraged.  I have been working on my toes to bar since it came up in the Open, and even though I haven't gotten it yet, I am A LOT closer than I have ever been before.  I knew that I wasn't going to be on the top of the leader board for the Open (that is probably why I didn't get too discouraged).  I didn't sign up to win it. I signed up to see what I could accomplish.  I think I did pretty good and that is all that matters. 
During this time, things also got busy because I was asked to share my testimony with my church for Easter.  The reason I am sharing this on here is because I think that it is important for people to really realize where this all started.  If this change had not happened in my life a year ago I wouldn't be here now.  I would have never have had the courage or the strength to even attempt the things I am doing now.
http://vimeo.com/63080381

I am going to try and update a little more tonight. :)

My Mind Can't Catch Up with My Body

A lot of people have been asking me for pictures of what I look like now.  I have been really hesitant to take pictures just because I have never really liked pictures of myself.  To satisfy my friends and family that live out of town I broke down and took a few pictures.  I posted the one of me in the bridesmaid dress and the one below on Facebook, so everyone could see.  I got a lot of really sweet comments on both pictures, but, to be honest, I wasn't really impressed with them.  When I got to Crossfit last night Travis said he liked the pictures.  I told him thank you, but I think he could tell by my face that I wasn't impressed.  He asked me an odd question. He asked if I could tell the difference.  The answer I gave him might seem crazy to a lot of you.  I told him "Not really." He looked at me and said that was what he thought I was going to say.  He then asked me how long I had been overweight.  When I told him all of my life (even when I played soccer) he just gave me a look.  He said what I have been thinking for a while now.  He told me it was going to be hard for me to see the changes in myself.  He also said that this was going to take a while for my mind to realize how my body has changed.  I agreed with him and told him I thought it was probably going to be a long time for me to wrap my head around all of this change.  Then he told me that one day it will happen.  I will walk by a mirror, see a picture of myself, or something like this and will realize that I am completely different on the outside!
It is a mental thing.  When I look in the mirror I just see the same old Emily, as I have always been. I hope this does happen for me because I want to COMPLETELY enjoy the fruits of my labor, but I don't think it will happen in the near future.  When you have lived in an obese body for so long it is very hard to grasp that you could actually be smaller, that pictures won't make you sad because you are the largest person in them, that you don't always have to go to the Plus Size section in the clothing store, etc.  Don't get me wrong, I can obviously tell that I am wearing smaller clothes, that the scale has a smaller number on it, and that I have a lot more energy and feel better, but I just can't tell the difference when I look in the mirror yet.  It will change one day, and I might pass out from joy when it happens.  Until then I will keep track of my journey with pictures just to show everyone how far I have come, and so that when that day does come that my mind catches up with my body I will be able to fully understand how far I have come too.

I don't really like this picture, but was the best out of like 6 that were taken. 

The Dress

I bought a bridesmaid dress in September 2012 for a wedding I am going to be in this May.  When I bought it I was embarrassed because it was almost the largest size they made.  I tried to tell myself that it was because these types of dresses run small.  That is true, but it didn't change the fact that I was much larger than I wanted to be, or had been in years past.  I bought the dress and told the bride that I was going to try to lose weight before the wedding, and I would just get it altered.  When I said this I really didn't think I would lose any weight before the wedding.  I had always said I would lose weight for certain things but it never really happened.  I bought the dress thinking I would never have to get it taken in. 

I have tried a million different ways to lose weight but I have never really been successful.  Even when I played soccer I was overweight, so I just didn't think it was possible for me.  The day after Labor Day of last year was the day I started a journey that would truly change this way of thinking, because this was the day I started Crossfit!  What I never thought could happen is actually becoming a reality!  I am currently down 60 pounds, 6 pant sizes, and over 23 inches all over my body!  Needless to say the dress I bought in September does not fit anymore.  I can now step into it while it is zipped and pull it up over clothes I already have on.  If I let go of it, it will drop to the ground!  Since it is now so close to the wedding I started getting worried that there would be no way it could be taken in, so I decided to go to an alterations place and see what could be done.  The lady looked at me with wide eyes when I put the dress on for her.  As she was pinning about 3 inches of fabric in on each side she said it could be done.  I will be taking it back at the end of April to have it altered because I'm not sure if I will lose any more inches between now and the end of May.  I just don't want to take the chance and get it done now and it not fit again in 6-8 weeks.  This will be the happiest $40 I will ever spend on alterations!

The bride of the wedding came into town the other day and I tried the dress on for her to see the difference herself.  While it was still zipped I slipped the dress on over my workout clothes!  It is kind of crazy!

A Pretty Decent Week

This was a pretty good week of workout. I felt really good with how I did on the first WOD of the Open, and it made me feel better about my workouts this week. The one night that really sticks out in my mind was the night that dead lifts were in the strength part of our workout. I always like to see dead lifts in a WOD because I really enjoy them and I'm actually pretty good at them too. When I read the workout I had to take a second glance to make sure I read it right. It was a 6 minute EMOM (every minute on the minute) alternating 5 dead lifts and ring dips. The catch was that the dead lifts were supposed to be 85% of your one rep max. I did the math about 10 times to make sure I was right. My 1RM for dead lift is 290#, so I would be lifting 246.5# in the WOD!! That's a lot of weight to do a total of 15 times!  When I got to the box I ended up going down to 245# instead if up to 250# and I did push-ups instead of ring dips (because I still can't really do the ring dips). I think this was probably one of the hardest strength WOD's I've done. I did complete all of the lifts at 245#, and I was kind of impressed with myself because I really wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it the whole way through!  I would really like to be able to dead lift at least 300-315# in the next six months or so!  I know that sounds crazy to a lot of people but I really do enjoy lifting!
On Wednesday night the second WOD for the Open was announced. I had been hoping that there would be dead lifts in it (and I was kind of hoping they would be heavy). I got part of what I wanted. The 13.2 WOD was a 10 minute AMRAP of 5 shoulder to overhead lifts (75#), 10 dead lifts (75#), and 15 box jumps (20 inches). So, although they weren't heavy, I did get my dead lifts. I was kind of excited because it was another WOD that I could actually do everything. I hadn't been sure about the box jumps but the standards said it could be a step up too. I hadn't done 20 inch step ups but I sure as heck was going to do it now!  I was also a little nervous because this should be one of the WOD's that I should do really well on.  I knew the lifts should be the easy part for me, because even just doing step ups instead of box jumps was going to be very tiring and a killer on my legs!  I decided to get judged on Thursday. I wasn't really sure what to expect out of myself so I wanted to have time to redo the WOD if I thought I could have done better. As we were getting ready Clinton said I should at least be able to get five rounds in. That would be 2 minutes per round. He estimated about 30 seconds for the lifts and that would give me 1:30 to do the step ups. Once he said that I immediately wanted to do more than five rounds!  Clinton was going to be my judge, and I knew he would push me to keep going throughout the WOD. Dusti came to watch too and I knew that she wouldn't have a problem yelling at me to keep me going when I would want to give up. When the time started I picked up the bar and went to do my first lift. I hit myself in the chin!  It startled me but I didn't drop the bar. I tried to regroup and do the lift again. For some reason I couldn't lift it!  I dropped the bar and paused for a few seconds. All I could hear was Clinton telling me to pick the bar back up and get started!  I guess it was just jitters because when I picked the bar up again the lifts came pretty naturally. I got through about ten of the step ups in the first round and I realized how hard this WOD was really going to be!  My legs were burning like fire and I had only done 10!  I tried not to think about the pain and got through rounds two and three. At the beginning of round four I was exhausted and just wanted to give up. I was standing at the bar and I really didn't want to pick it up. I knew that I could get through all the lifts but then I was going to have to start on the step ups again and I just couldn't even think about that!  Clinton and Dusti were right there pushing me to keep going. I finished the lifts and went to the box for the step ups. I just looked at it!  It really wasn't until Clinton started beating on the box with his hand that I realized I was really going to have to do more and that I could do it. I had been making pretty decent time until that point but after that the step ups got slower and slower. I got through round five with about 2:30 left on the clock. I got through the lifts on round six really fast and started the step ups. Dusti was yelling at me not to stop, Clinton was smacking his poor hand on the box yelling for me to give him more, and Travis was beside me telling me I was going to get this round done. I finished the last step up when the timer read 0:01!  Travis kept telling me to go faster and I was just trying not to pause at all. My legs hurt so bad, and I wasn't even sure I was strong enough to push myself up on those last ten step ups. But, I did it!  I got through a full six rounds. When it was over I just laid on the box I had been using for step ups. I wasn't sure I could move!  I ended up with a score of 180. That wasn't too bad but I was hoping to be closer to 200. I am happy that I got past the five round mark though!!  I am going to redo it on Sunday to see if I can get a better score. I just want to see if I can at least get through the lifts in the 7th round. I think the frustrating part to me was that I could have done a lot more lifts because my arms weren't tired. I just want to see if I can do just a little better!

Fighting through the mentally hard stuff

Last week was not my finest.  I didn't finish the workout on Monday, walked out on Tuesday, and skipped on Wednesday.  Yes, I skipped a workout, and I was really mad at myself because that is the first time I have been in town and just didn't go.  I went on Thursday and warmed up but didn't actually workout.  I have been in a funk and just haven't been able to completely get out of it.  I haven't been sleeping well and there has just been a lot going on in my life.  I was just tired of always crying when I went to workout.  I wasn't crying because I was in pain.  I was crying because I was disappointed in how I was doing and felt like I should be able to do more. 
Things did change a little bit on Friday though. We just started the Crossfit Open last week and we had gotten the first WOD on Thursday.  I didn't do the workout on Thursday with most of the other people, and I wasn't really sure I was going to even participate in the Open (even though I had signed up).  Friday I went in for open gym, but I wasn't really sure I was going to workout. Stephanie was there and was going to do the WOD for the Open.  I told her I would do it just to practice where she wouldn't be doing it alone.  The WOD was 40 burpees, 30 45# snatches, 30 burpees, 30 75# snatches, 20 burpees, 30 100# snatches, 10 burpees, and then as many as possible of 120# snatches until 17 minutes was up.  I got 10 burpees into the workout and decided it just wasn't worth it that night.  Luckily one of the guys in my regular class, Mark, was there and told me I wasn't going to quit.  He stood there and counted all of my burpees and snatches for me.  When I got done I was actually kind of happy with how I did.  I really hate burpees and that was the part that really slowed me down, but I knew that was going to be the hardest part for me going into it.  I got through 21 of the 75# snatches (I would have scored a 121 that night if I had been judged).  I'm really glad Mark wouldn't let me quit that night because after I got done I was kind of pumped about how I might be able to do better on Sunday (when I would actually be judged).
I got to the box early on Sunday to cheer on the people that were going before me.  The closer it got to my time the more nervous I became.  What if I didn't beat my score from Friday?  What if I couldn't get through all of those burpees?  I was one of the last people to go that day, and I was so glad that some people stayed to watch and cheer me on.  My friend Dusti, who doesn't even Crossfit at our box, came to support me!!  The first 10 burpees weren't that bad, but after that I could feel the soreness in my muscles and knew I was getting tired.  I finally got through the first 40 burpees and headed to do the lifts.  I did the lifts in sets of 10 and then it was back to burpees.  I was really tired at this point and wasn't really sure I would actually make it through 30 more burpees.  The only thing that kept me going were the people around me cheering for me.  I could hear Dusti reminding me to breathe and telling me that I COULD do this.  At one point Travis had to smack me on the butt with his clipboard to get me to actually complete the burpee.  Jessie and Allison were there telling me how great I was doing.  I finally made it through the burpees and went back to the lifts.  This should have been the easy part for me but I was really tired.  I did about 5 snatches and put the bar down.  I was trying to them touch and go but I could only get in about 2 at a time.  I made it to about 24 and really thought I couldn't do anymore.  Morgan, who was judging me, came across the bar and told me to PICK UP THE BAR (she kind of yelled it lol).  She startled me enough that it reminded me of what I had told myself before I started the workout.  I had told myself to do whatever I could during the workout as hard as I could because I didn't want to have any regrets when it was over.  I wanted to leave it all in the workout and know there was nothing I could have done better!  I went back over and picked up the bar!  I ended up doing 4 more snatches before time was called.  I finished with a score of 129!!  I really couldn't have been happier with my score. No, it was not a score that would get me to regionals and no, it was not the best score in our box, but I beat my 121 from Friday and I got further than I really ever thought I would have!  It meant so much to me that there were about 8 people that were standing there the entire time just to support me.  They actually believed I could do this, even when I thought I was too tired.  It was such an amazing feeling to have those people around and to do the best I could in that workout.

                          This is a picture of the sweat angel that I made on the floor after the workout.


I was so happy with how things went Sunday that when I looked at the WOD for Monday I wasn't scared even though it had box jumps in it.  It was 21, 15, and 9 of box jumps, push presses (75#), and toes to bar (knees to elbows).  I started out with just the 12 inch box with a 45# plate on top.  It took me about 15 seconds to get going because I was hesitating with that first jump.  I got through the first round and added a 25# plate to the box jump too.  I was amazed that I could actually jump that high!!  I ended up finishing in 13:33.  Not the fastest time but I was so excited that I had jumped higher than I had ever done before.  I made Travis measure it to see exactly how high it was.  It was 17 inches!!! I was really happy with how I did!!